Step 1: Observing Without Evaluating
The first component of NVC is observation: describing what is happening — what we see, hear, recall — without mixing in judgment or interpretation. This sounds simple, but it is the hardest step, because our brain constantly merges what it perceives with what it thinks about it.
"Observing without evaluating is the highest form of human intelligence." — a quote from the philosopher Jiddu Krishnamurti, often cited by Rosenberg.
Observation versus evaluation
An observation is a verifiable fact, situated in time and context. An evaluation is an opinion, a generalization or a label. The problem is not having evaluations — it's presenting them as facts. When we say "you're late all the time," the other hears an attack and contests the "all the time" instead of hearing our message.
| Evaluation (to avoid) | Observation (to favor) |
|---|---|
| "You never do your part." | "This week, I wrote the three reports alone." |
| "That meeting was useless." | "The meeting lasted 90 minutes and we made no decisions." |
| "You're aggressive." | "You raised your voice and left the room." |
| "He's always negative." | "On the last two proposals, he started by listing the risks." |
The traps that turn an observation into a judgment
Several language reflexes betray a disguised evaluation:
- Generalizations: "always," "never," "all the time," "every time." They are almost always false and invite contestation.
- Interpretive verbs presented as facts: "You neglect this project" (interpretation) instead of "You haven't opened the file since Monday" (fact).
- Character adjectives: "lazy," "disorganized," "brilliant." They freeze the other in an identity instead of describing a behavior.
- Confusing frequency with permanence: "often" or "rarely" remain estimates; when possible, quantify ("three times this week").
The method for forming a clean observation
To check that a sentence is truly an observation, ask: could a camera have recorded it? A camera films "he arrived at 9:15"; it does not film "he doesn't care." Proceed in three steps: situate it in time ("yesterday," "Monday at 2 p.m."), describe the concrete action (an observable action verb), and remove any adjective carrying a judgment.
flowchart TD
A[What I want to say] --> B{Could a camera<br/>film it?}
B -->|Yes| C[It's an observation ✓]
B -->|No| D[It's an evaluation<br/>→ rephrase as facts]
D --> A
What to say / what not to say
Context: a team member submitted an incomplete deliverable.
- What not to say: "Your work is sloppy, you never concentrate."
- What to say: "In the document submitted yesterday, three of the five requested sections were missing."
Context: a loved one looks at their phone during dinner.
- What not to say: "You're completely ignoring me, you're addicted to that thing."
- What to say: "During dinner, you checked your phone several times."
Notice that the observation doesn't dilute the message: it makes it receivable. The other cannot contest a fact, whereas they will always contest a label.
Practical exercise
Take five judgments you regularly make (about a colleague, a loved one, yourself). For each, write the corresponding factual observation by applying the camera test. Compare the emotional effect of the two formulations by reading them aloud.
Summary
Observation consists of describing verifiable facts, situated in time, without judgment or generalization. The camera test ("can it be filmed?") separates fact from interpretation. A clean observation makes the message receivable, because the listener can hardly contest a fact, whereas they will systematically defend against a label.